


all i want is a break

by luciimariiellii



Category: Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood & Manga
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Chatting & Messaging, Crew as Family, Don’t read this kite mom (u kno who u r), EXTREMELY self-indulgent, F/F, F/M, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Found Family, Humor, I love these kids, M/M, Multi, Parental Riza Hawkeye, Parental Roy Mustang, Reincarnation, Team as Family, They're all stupid, because i’m a slut for group chats AND reincarnation, maybe if i keep posting edgreedling more ppl will make fics about them
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-10-06
Updated: 2019-05-28
Packaged: 2019-07-25 21:57:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 15
Words: 12,471
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16206470
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/luciimariiellii/pseuds/luciimariiellii
Summary: snekasnek: Greed is aggressively introducing himself to Edward as Ling stares at the two of themin wondersnekasnek: Ling just messaged Lan Fan and I to inform us that “that blonde boy and greed are way too hot separately and watching greed attempt to flirt with him is a little embarrassing but also really cute????” and it’s hard for me to not to agree with him tbhNya: greed checked his phone and i swear he blushed for 0.2 seconds





	1. and so it fucking begins

**Author's Note:**

> i don’t feel like doing a list of names rn so i’ll see if u can figure it out until next chapter...  
> Hi Alexis i kno ur reading, text me  
> Hi kite mom, please don’t keep reading

do you ever feel like a plastic bag

 

fight: guess what bitches we’re moving tomorrow

 

panini: buh buh bitch you right

 

Gearhead: It is three in the god damn morning and we actually have to move in in six hours so you better fucking sleep or I will fuck you up

 

panini: ok babe ( pm me elric)

 

fight: fine, winry (on it)

 

Gearhead: I hope you both get fucked with a chainsaw

 

uwu: Don’t be mean Win!!

 

Gearhead: Dont start with me

 

uwu: :’(

 

Gearhead:

 

Gearhead: oop sorry ily bro <3

 

uwu: :’) thanks sis ily too <3

 

Gearhead: Why are you even awake anyway???

 

uwu: Why are you?

 

Gearhead: Because the idiots woke me up

 

uwu: Me too

 

Gearhead: Go to sleep Al we can’t have you passing out

 

uwu: You’re starting college tomorrow, Win, same goes for you!! See you in the morning!! owo <3

 

Gearhead: See ya

 

 

 

Fuck Amestris

 

BEN: Wake up Ling, you have three and a half hours before we leave.

 

possessed: I hAve Be. EN a waKe fOr hOuRS! ! !

 

BEN: God fucking damn it.

 

sneka snek: Why the hecc did I just witness Ling pick up an entire pot of coffee and down it?

 

BEN: No sugar?

 

sneka snek: Nah

 

BEN: Are we sure it’s Ling?

 

sneka snek: ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

 

possessed: i WFILL fIhgT uYo

 

BEN: CHANG CATCH HIM BEFORE HE GETS TO THE KNIFE DRAWER

 

sneka snek: idk i think i wanna let this happen

 

BEN: mEI CHANG I AM NOT AFRAID TO TAKE XIAO-MEI HOSTAGE

 

sneka snek: frick ok

 

AVA_RICOUS: i’m not even surprised anymore

 

BEN: Leaveth

 

AVA_RICOUS: nah i don’t think i will

 

AVA_RICOUS: i hacked my way into this chat room i’m not leaving any time soon

 

possessed: wH y tHo???

 

BEN: Now Chang!! Get him!!

 

possessed: We DoN’T eB e n Knwo yOu IRLSKWIXJSIJWJEKN

 

AVA_RICOUS: rest in peace the idiot

 

 

 

Havoc is an incel

 

SalaMANder: god i want to die

 

notanincel: me too, always

 

Lance McClain: hmmm

 

SalaMANder: I mean I love life and can’t wait to meet this year’s freshmen!!!

 

Lance McClain: That’s what I thought.

 

notanincel: whipped

 

SalaMANder: First of all, fuck you,

 

Lance McClain: hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

 

notanincel: sorry

 

SalaMANder: sorry

 

Lance McClain: :)

 

Soft: That smiley face is simultaneously the scariest and most relieving thing on this planet.

 

*tardis noises*: The scariest thing is hearing Elicia cry, actually.

 

hot diggity dog: we get it, you love your daughter

 

*tardis noises*: Actually I say this because Gracia and I haven’t had a solid night of sleep in like four years.

 

hot diggity dog: that’s just how it be in this bitch of a world

 

*tardis noises*: And because I love her!!!!!!

 

*tardis noises*: image

 

*tardis noises*: image

 

*tardis noises*: image

 

SalaMANder: Maes, if you send one more picture I am never coming over for dinner again.

 

*tardis noises*: :0

 

Lance McClain: Elicia is very cute, Maes!! And Gracia is beautiful!!!

 

*tardis noises*: :D

 

*tardis noises*: Thank you!!

 

 

I Hate You All

 

Father: Whoever changed the chat name has one more chance to come forward, this is my final warning.

 

Envy: I feel like we all know who it was but ok

 

The Nicest Member Of This Family And That’s Saying Something: ahaha bye bitches can’t wait to never see any of you again, especially you Pride :-))) I’m on the train now and never coming back bye bye~!!

 

Pride: You forget I know what school you’re going to, Greed.

 

Greed: fUCK yOu :)

 

 

 

all the cool kids are missing limbs

 

leggy: pssssst elriccc

 

halftheman: we’re in the same car paninya

 

leggy: look at winry

 

halftheman: look at those fucking head bops

 

halftheman: break it the fuck down win

 

halftheman: she’s driving should we stop her

 

leggy: i actively want to die

 

halftheman: same but Al’s in the car with us too

 

leggy: shit u right

 

halftheman: Jajsjsjskakals

 

leggy: u shouldn’t have pointed it out i guess

 

halftheman: this is abuse

 

halftheman: she is not allowed to ask al to throw a wrench at me

 

leggy: the babe can do whatever she wants

 

halftheman: honestly you’re right

 

do you ever feel like a plastic bag

 

panini: al what did winry just whisper to you

 

uwu: She said if you want you can have a wrench too

 

panini: fuck no sorry win

 

uwu: she said thank you

 

fight: where the hell is she getting these wrenches from anyway

 

fight: hecc i saw that look win sorry

 

 

 

Havoc is an Incel

 

SalaMANder: Why do we even need to be here, there aren’t any classes today

 

Lance McClain: I have no clue.

 

I’m Cold: it’s -2 degrees in my classroom please save me

 

SalaMANder: Turn your heat up

 

I’m Cold: have you ever gone to school before

 

I’m Cold: the janitorial staff would murder me

 

SalaMANder: Rest In Peace Vato Falman, forever cold.

 

I’m Cold: *deep breathes*

 

 

 

Fuck Amestris

 

AVA_RICOUS: hey kiddos

 

BEN: If it were not for the laws of this land I would have slaughtered you.

 

AVA_RICOUS: yeesh

 

AVA_RICOUS: y’all are gonna meet me soon lol

 

AVA_RICOUS: at the school

 

sneka snek: omg yes

 

BEN: w h a t

 

possessed: holy shit

 

possessed: finally, will you tell me your secrets

 

AVA_RICOUS: we’ll see about that

 

possessed: :/

 

sneka snek: I’m actually kind of excited!!

 

AVA_RICOUS: a woman of taste, truly

 

BEN: God I hate all of you.

 

possessed: even me???

 

BEN: Especially you.

 

possessed: damn it

 

sneka snek: That’s life, babe

 

AVA_RICOUS: god i can’t wait until one of you is less clueless

 

possessed: ?

 

AVA_RICOUS: you’ll find out eventually :)

 

possessed: that’s fair

 

BEN: No it’s not.

 

possessed: shhh let the man live lan fan

 

BEN: You are insufferable.

 

possessed: but you love me!!

 

BEN: ...yeah...

 

AVA_RICOUS: oof

 

BEN: ?

 

AVA_RICOUS: you’ll understand soon

 

AVA_RICOUS: especially you, idiot prince!

 

sneka snek: Idiot prince...? You mean Ling?

 

AVA_RICOUS: mayhaps

 

possessed: i... i’m not a prince

 

AVA_RICOUS: maybe you’re a king

 

AVA_RICOUS: or an emperor!

 

possessed: w ha t

 

BEN: This is weird even for you, Greed...

 

sneka snek: I

 

sneka snek: holy hecc

 

BEN: You okay Chang?

 

sneka snek: Yeah I just dropped a cup.

 

BEN: Okay...


	2. literally no one should be that hot

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ballet snake: HOLY MOTHERHECKING HECC
> 
> greedy snake: i assume you’ve... remembered something you forgot?

snakes are cool as shit

 

ballet snake: HOLY MOTHERHECKING HECC

 

greedy snake: i assume you’ve... remembered something you forgot?

 

ballet snake: GREED YOU DIRT WIPE

 

ballet snake: WHY DIDN’T YOU TELL US SOONER

 

greedy snake: you can’t force these things mei.

 

greedy snake: i heard alphonse will be joining us at school

 

ballet snake: omg really?!?!?!

 

greedy snake: would i ever lie to you, mei

 

greedy snake: the answer is no btw

 

ballet snake: how did you even find that out?

 

greedy snake: others who remember, of course

 

ballet snake: there are others!! who else?

 

greedy snake: let me add you to our chat

 

ballet snake: :0!!

 

 

 

well we’re alive

 

notlingyao added mei chang to the chat

 

mei chang changed her name to sneka snek

 

notlingyao: she remembered

 

sneka snek: Hi!!!

 

HavCock: yo Mei Chang!!

 

Nya: Hey Chang!

 

sneka snek: Hi Mr. Havoc!! And... Paninya??

 

Nya: Yeah! Hi Mei!!

 

sneka snek: wowwww this is so cool!!

 

notlingyao: hell yeah it is

 

sneka snek: How did you all find each other?

 

notlingyao: my amazing hacker skillz

 

HavCock: Please never say that again.

 

Nya: hackerman

 

HavCock: Ugh

 

sneka snek: What a great start to this new chapter in my life

 

notlingyao: you’ll love it here in the well we’re alive group chat

 

Nya: we spend most of our time plotting ways to make people remember

 

sneka snek: Who do you guys know?

 

Nya: winry, al, ed

 

HavCock: Mustang, Fuery, Falman, Breda, Hawkeye, Hughes

 

sneka snek: wow!

 

notlingyao: havoc and mustang and them are teachers, so you’ll probably see them around

 

notlingyao: mei we’re gonna meet up with paninya’s group at orientation

 

sneka snek: Ok! How are we gonna explain that to the others?

 

Nya: i already told them i want to introduce them to an old friend of mine, aka greed

 

notlingyao: and ur gonna meet me there, so there u go

 

sneka snek: Sweet!!

 

notlingyao: i hope none of y’all are in the room when ed and/or ling remember if u know what i mean

 

Nya: ew

 

notlingyao: ...and you’d say the same about winry, bitch,

 

Nya: shit

 

HavCock: Be prepared for sexual tension upon meeting Hawkeye and Mustang

 

HavCock: Hawkeye: Good morning sir

Mustang: *furious blushing* Good morning Hawkeye

 

notlingyao: the last time i saw them i knew they’d fucked before you can’t lie to me

 

HavCock: They’ve eye fucked plenty of times, sure

 

HavCock: But last time you saw them roy was blind and Hawkeye was severely injured and you were dying so I’m taking that with a grain of salt

 

 

 

 

 

Fuck Amestris

 

possessed: and that’s how the one, singular time lan fan didn’t accompany me on a trip, i got banned from every denny’s in oregon

 

BEN: You really can not leave the house without me.

 

sneka snek: You’re all a bunch of messes

 

BEN: I saw you call Xiao-Mei ‘Mr Cuddlewumps’ and proceed to burst into tears when he made a cute noise.

 

sneka snek: He’s very cute!!

 

AVA_RICOUS: all of you should get to orientation

 

AVA_RICOUS: it’s time

 

possessed: wow, you’re ominous, i like it but it’s scary

 

possessed: (lan fan is it weird that it turns me on a little?)

 

BEN: (Yes, definitely.)

 

possessed: (shit!)

 

AVA_RICOUS: ;)

 

sneka snek: W h at

 

BEN: Greed is number one on my hit list.

 

AVA_RICOUS: honestly i don’t doubt you could beat me the fuck up

 

possessed: she can

 

sneka snek: She can!

 

BEN: I can.

 

AVA_RICOUS: ok just peed my

pants a little

 

BEN: We’re here.

 

AVA_RICOUS: i’m the tall, handsome dude in the corner with the vest and sunglasses

 

possessed: oh shit

 

AVA_RICOUS: hmm?

 

 

 

Stupid Boya

 

dumbass gay: HE ‘ S NO T A LL OW E D TO B E SO H OT???????

 

functional ace: You need to get your gay ass in check, Ling.

 

dumbass gay: >:( will fight

 

functional ace: mhm sure

 

dumbass gay: <:(

 

functional ace: What the fuck


	3. chaos

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ok so... there are like? actually people who enjoy this??? not something i’m used to lmao.  
> but seriously like? eight people have subscribed to this and seven have bookmarked and that may not SOUND like a lot but it’s a lot to me!! i’ve gotten a grand total of three comments but holy shit i’m so excited those three people are enjoying it,,, fucking 131 hits and 15 kudos?? thank you so much!!!

Fuck Amestris

 

BEN: We’re almost to you, Greed. I have to say, your fashion taste is terrible.

 

AVA_RICOUS: wow fuckin rude

 

sneka snek: sneak a peek at ling’s red as hecc face

 

AVA_RICOUS: damn ling, nice to know you think i’m cute!

 

AVA_RICOUS: you’re not too bad yourself ;)

 

possessed: i want to kill myself

 

BEN: Listen here, homunculous,

 

possessed: homunculous?

 

BEN: Huh, I don’t know where that came from.

 

AVA_RICOUS: u’ve got quite an imagination girlie

 

BEN: I’ll cut off your manhood and feed it to you.

 

AVA_RICOUS: woah okay

 

 

 

fuck yeah

 

dublith: r u here

 

rushvalley: ye we just walked in

 

dublith: sweet we’re all in the corner over here

 

rushvalley: hell yea

 

 

 

Well We’re Alive

 

sneka snek: eeeeeekkkkkk it’s Alphonse!!!!!!

 

notlingyao: if i can handle seeing ed and ling u can handle al

 

sneka snek: But i don’t wannaaaaaaa

 

notlingyao: me either

 

Nya: haha i asked winry out lol

 

sneka snek: Shame on you, shame on your family, and shame on your cow.

 

notlingyao: fuck u rush valley

 

Nya: ;3

 

HavCock: I’m Scared

 

Nya: y

 

HavCock: Think about when Ed remembers?

 

HavCock: From what I’ve heard most of us (including me) were angsty shits when we remembered

 

notlingyao: if i was angst city ed is going to be angst country

 

HavCock: Exactly

 

Nya: we’ll cross that bridge when we get to it

 

HavCock: I guess

 

notlingyao: mei is aggressively introducing herself to alphonse

 

snekasnek: Greed is aggressively introducing himself to Edward as Ling stares at the two of them

in wonder

 

snekasnek: Ling just messaged Lan Fan and I to inform us that “that blonde boy and greed are way too hot separately and watching greed attempt to flirt with him is a little embarrassing but also really cute????” and it’s hard for me to not to agree with him tbh

 

Nya: greed checked his phone and i swear he blushed for 0.2 seconds

 

Nya: wow he is real shit at flirting

 

Nya: ed looks like he wants to punch him in the face

 

HavCock: Ed wants to punch everyone in the face

 

HavCock: He’d punch the sun if he could

 

sneka snek: he literally punched god

 

Nya: true

 

Nya: update on al and mei: mei is introducing a very red and flustered al to xiao-mei

 

Nya: update #2: al moved to let someone by and the guy accidentally bumped into him and xiao-mei attacked the guy

 

HavCock: What the fuck

 

notlingyao: WHAT THE FUCK

 

Nya: update #3: al and the guy are screaming as mei tries to pull xiao-mei off- aaaannnndddd ling just ran over and started trying to help

 

Nya: HOLY SHIT AL PASSED OUT

 

HavCock: WHAT

 

Nya: GOTTA GO BYE BYE

 

HavCock: I HATE YOU CHILDREN

 

 

like an hour later

 

paninya added edward, alphonse, winry, mei, greed, and havoc to the chat

 

paninya changed their name to CANNONS

 

CANNONS: hey fuckers

 

mei added lan fan and ling

 

mei changed their name to princess

 

greed changed their name to demonfucker

 

greed changed ling’s name to possessed

 

havoc: That’s not possible, but okay

 

havoc changed their name to HavCock

 

princess: how unoriginal

 

HavCock: :/

 

HavCock added roy, riza, kain, heymans, hughes, and vato to the chat

 

demonfucker changed roy’s name to father in law

 

demonfucker changed riza’s name to mother in law

 

demonfucker changed hughes’s name to uncle in law??

 

HavCock: Again, not possible

 

father in law: What the fuccety

 

mother in law: Who are you people?

 

uncle in law??: haha what

 

edward changed his name to yayeet

 

yayeet: shane’s jake paul series is amazing

 

yayeet: destroy him, queen shane

 

CANNONS: if u spoil it i will take ur arm off in ur sleep

 

winry: I will fuck you up Paninya

 

winry changed their name to IronWoman

 

uncle in law??: what

 

yayeet: my arm’s metal don’t worry bout it

 

fuery: o ok

 

possessed: is your brother ok shrimp

 

yayeet: WHO ARE YOU CALLING A SHRIMP SO SMALL ALL THE OTHER SHRIMP CALL HIM PLANKTON

 

possessed: i literally did not say that

 

IronWoman: He met you an hour ago and he’s only just now trying to fight you! Great sign

 

yayeet: shut up win

 

IronWoman: no u

 

IronWoman: Anyway, Alphonse is fine thanks for asking

 

yayeet: he’s really sick (nothing contagious) and it’s easy for him to get dehydrated. don’t worry, i’ll get on him about it. he’ll be fine.

 

mother in law: Wait, what happened?

 

yayeet: Okay wait I don’t know half this chat please tell me???

 

mother in law: Riza Hawkeye

 

father in law: Roy Mustang

 

uncle in law??: Maes Hughes

 

HavCock: Jean Havoc

 

Vato: my names right there

 

possessed: ok who tf decided to put a bunch of teachers in the gc and who tf even has our teachers’ discords

 

father in law: Goddamnit you’re students

 

father in law: All I want is a b r e a k

 

possessed: is anyone gonna step forward?

 

possessed: ...

 

possessed: i hate all of you. every last one of you.

 

demonfucker: even me?

 

possessed: almost all of you

 

lan fan: :/ i see

 

possessed: SHIT

 

demonfucker: i’ll fight you lan fan

 

lan fan changed their name to protect thy honor

 

protect thy honor: I’m coming

for you, Greed

 

possessed: did i just witness that????

 

princess: You did!

 

possessed: frightening

 

princess: very

 

father in law: Ok well

 

father in law: Classes start tomorrow and until then I want to forget you all exist so bye

 

yayeet: fuckin rude

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ok so yesterday was Columbus Day and i skipped today, but tmr i leave my grandparents’ house and go home so i’ll have to see if i can like sacrifice my bus ride naps and write a few chapters and go to the library after school or smthing. we’ll see, but u probably shouldn’t expect updates every day or two like they’ve been!! just saying. i’ll try my best!!!! thank you for reading, let me know what you think!!
> 
> -lucii   
> tumblr: edgreedling


	4. remember rush valley? yeah me either

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> fight - edward elric  
> Gearhead - winry rockbell  
> panini - paninya  
> uwu - alphonse elric
> 
> nya - paninya  
> holyshit - winry rockbell  
> sneka snek - mei chang  
> HavCock - jean havoc  
> notlingyao - greed

do you ever feel like a plastic bag

fight: wowza,,, roy mustang can go fuck himself

Gearhead: And so it begins

panini: what'd he do

fight: he called me short

panini: did he, or did he say the word small while talking to you and you took it as a personal insult

fight: fUcK yOu

panini: sorry I'm gay

uwu: Hey brother?

fight: yeah

uwu: I noticed something… unusual today

panini: oh yeah…

Gearhead: hahaha

fight: I don’t know what you're about to say but I will kill you

uwu: well

uwu: that boy… ling… seems awfully… fond… of you…

fight: FUCK YOU I'VE SEEN YOU TALKIN TO HIS HALF SISTER… WHAT WAS HER NAME? M E I? ? ? 

uwu: oh YEAH WHAT ABOUT G R E E D ?  
fight: SKSKSKSKSKSKSKSKSSKSKSK

panini: remember when we were single like that babe

Gearhead: Those were dark times indeed

panini: i shudder to think of it  
Gearhead: Me too. In fact, I believe I require your company. I'll be at your dorm in one sixth of an hour.

panini: I await your arrival, my fair maiden

fight: what the actual FUCK

Gearhead: you're just jealous, honestly

 

 

Winry knocked gently on her girlfriend's door, leaning back with a smile when it opened. Paninya greeted her with a quick kiss before pulling her into the dorm. "Okay, so my roommate is totally gone for like, the whole weekend."�  
"Where the hell is she?" Winry set to work preparing her tools. They'd do girlfriend stuff later; Paninya's legs hadn't been looked at in a few months and Winry was itching to get her hands on them. (She'd hold Ed down long enough to tune up his automail soon.)

Paninya flopped down on the crappy couch and set her right foot on the coffee table. "Beats me," she snorted, "Off at some crazy beer festival or whatever." She shuddered involuntarily when Winry placed a steadying hand on the back of her knee. Pressure there was always a bit of an odd feeling, like a thousand eyelashes tickling her leg. 

"I'm glad you're better at taking care of your automail than Ed, or this'd be a nightmare." Paninya examined her girlfriend's features as the blonde worked intently on her leg. Perfect eyebrows furrowed over beautiful, slightly squinted blue eyes and an adorably scrunched nose. Winry's beauty was a bit too much for her lesbian heart to handle, honestly.

Paninya took a deep breath. She'd been wanting to try this since she'd remembered two months ago.

"Have you ever heard of Rush Valley?�  
Usually, Winry didn't falter when someone talked to her while she worked. But her fingers twitched where they sat on Paninya's automail, her eyebrows drew just a bit closer, and Paninya knew she'd said the right thing.

"Can't say I have, no." Winry returned to work on whatever the hell she was doing to Paninya's knee.

"It's this town that's, like, all automail. Full to the brim with automail stores. Half the people there are mechanics and the other half have automail. I know a guy who lives there, actually, Mr.Garfiel. A bit of a drama queen but really nice."

Winry dropped her wrench.

 

Well we're alive

nya added Winry to the chat

Winry changed her name to holyshit

sneka snek: WINNNNRRRRYYYYYY

holyshit: Mei!!! Hey sis!!!

HavCock: Sis?  
holyshit: sister in law

holyshit: you know this mr havoc

HavCock: ah, right

notlingyao: oh

notlingyao: OH

notlingyao: holy shit ed and ling got married!!!  
HavCock: literally why wouldn't they

holyshit: are you gonna be ok greed

notlingyao: better than ok, ecstatic actually

HavCock: is that sarcasm?

notlingyao: surprisingly no

sneka snek: from what ed and ling told me, that's his possessiveness speaking

HavCock: what

sneka snek: probably something to do with wanting his 'things' to be happy

sneka snek: it's kinda soft, when you think about it

sotlingyao: I'm not soft I used to run a bar that was regularly attacked by gangs

sneka snek: you're soft shut up

HavCock: excuse me w h a t

nya: don't go all uncle mode on greed pls

nya: I think ed and ling find it attractive, actually (barf)

notlingyao: what's 'barf' supposed to mean 

HavCock: I'm watching you Greed.

notlingyao: ok so I have Havoc and Lan Fan after my life, c a n ' t w a I t u n t I l m u s t a n g a n d h a w k e y e r e m e m b e r h a h a h a h a h a 

holyshit: nonononono I don’t know you nearly well enough you're on my watch list

holyshit:Aactually how about this whole groupchat goes to lunch later? That'd be fun

notlingyao: I'm down

sneka snek: yeah sure!!

nya: sounds cool

HavCock: uhmmmmm ok

holyshit: sweet wanna meet up tomorrow? At that café a few blocks down

notlingyao: no clue what ur talkin about

holyshit: I'll send u the address

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> haha gay
> 
> got another chap coming Tuesday so keep ur eye out
> 
> tumblr - edgreedling  
> (also tell me how u feel about that actual story parts?)


	5. many daddy issues

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> surprise surprise, they all have daddy issues

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm so sorry this is a day late my computer is a bitch
> 
> CANNONS - paninya  
>  Father in law - roy mustang  
>  Uncle in law - maes hughes  
>  yayeet - edward elric  
>  possessed - ling yao  
>  o.o - alphonse elric  
>  princess - mei chang  
>  demonfucker - greed  
>  IronWoman - winry rockbell  
>  protect thy honor - lan fan  
>  frosty eyebrows - vato falman

"Fuck, I've got it!" Paninya slammed her mug down on the table, much to the annoyance of the café patrons sitting nearby.

 

Winry stirred her coffee and eyed her girlfriend suspiciously. "Got what, babe?"

 

With a mischievous grin, Paninya responded, "What Al, Mei, Greed, Ling, and Ed have in common."

  
Greed raised an eyebrow. "Oh, really?"

 

"Mutual daddy issues!" Greed and Winry bust out laughing, Mei screeched, and Havoc choked on his sugar filled coffee. "The Elrics and the Emperor's bloodline were drawn together by daddy issues! So were Greed and Ling! Oh, this is too good!"

 

Greed put his head down and banged his hand against the table a few times. "Jesus Christ, Paninya, you fucking genius!"

 

 

 

 

 

**Chaos**

 

 **CANNONS** : so we all know that al and mei are in love and ed and greed and ling are in love, right?

 

 **Father in law** : I don’t want to hear about whatever you're about to say

 

 **Uncle in law** : Why don't you just leave the chat

 

 **Father in law** : Every time I try greed adds me back

 

 **Uncle in law** : Rest in peace

 

 **Father in law** : You're acting like you want to be here

 

 **Uncle in law** : I'm interested in hearing about our students' lives

 

 **Father in law** : And I'm interested in Elric not blowing up tomorrow's eight AM lecture

 

 **yayeet** : i'm going to look past that comment for now, mustang, because what paninya said is much worse

 

 **yayeet** : (but i will make hell for you at that god damn eight am lecture for that. be warned, bitch)

 

 **Father in law** : oooohhhh, scary

 

 **CANNONS** : you know it's true ed

 

 **yayeet** : ummmm it's not

 

 **possessed** : wait what the hell is going on i was asleep

 

 **o.o** : rt

 

 **princess** : rt

 

 **demonfucker** : :)

 

 **CANNONS** : at least one of you can accept your true feelings

 

 **o.o** : sjsjsjsjjsjssjjssjjsjssjjssjjs

 

 **princess** : aaaaaaaaaaahhhhh

 

 **yayeet** : saldkjsalkdjaslkdjlaskdjlsakjd PANINYA I'M GONNA KICK YOUR ASS

 

 **Demonfucker** : :)

 

 **IronWoman** : he's cussing very heavily in german

 

 **IronWoman** : translation: 'I WILL RAIN HELL UPON YOU AND YOUR BLOODLINE'

 

 **possessed** : how very edward-esque

 

 **possessed** : but, paninya?

 

 **CANNONS** : yea

 

 **possessed** : lan fan is on her way to your dorm. be ready, bitch

 

 **CANNONS** : oh god

 

 **CANNONS** : winry get out while you still can

 

 **IronWoman** : no babe I'll protect you

 

 **IronWoman** : did you just fall off the toilet????

 

 **CANNONS** : u made me swoon so hard I fell

 

 **princess** : gay

 

 **CANNONS** : no u

 

 **princess** : by the way

 

 **princess** : I'm helping Lan Fan out :)

 

 **CANNONS** : S C R E E C H I N G

 

 **IronWoman** : Fuck I can't take both of them I'm out of here

 

 **CANNONS** : BaBE

 

protect thy honor: smart.

 

 **Father in law** : what the fuck is going on?????

 

 **yayeet** : shut up

 

 **Father in law** : uhm excuse me

 

 **yayeet** : you heard what i said didn’t you

 

 **Father in law** : Sorry no, you're too far down for me to hear anything you say

 

 **yayeet** : FUCK YOU, YOU FUCKING GIRAFFE. I HATE YOU AND YOU'RE STUPID FUCKIN GLOVES YOU FUCKIN BASTARD

 

 **Father in law** : Gloves? Elric, all the air pressure down there must be getting to your head because I definitely don't wear gloves.

 

 **yayeet** : I

 

 **yayeet** : hm

 

 **demonfucker** : skskkskskskskssksksk ur all idiots

 

 **yayeet** : excuse me, bitch,,,,,,,

 

 **IronWoman** : Holy shit I just ran into Lan Fan and Mei in the hallway and Lan Fan fucking stared me down and then said "You're a

smart girl. Your foolish lover would do well to learn from you." And I???? Fucking??? Pissed my pants because thatttt was terrifying

 

 **possessed** : lan fan is very scary, yes

 

 **IronWoman** : Edward why aren't you running????????

 

 **yayeet** : paninya slandered me just as much as she slandered ling and mei i'm safe

 

 **IronWoman** : oh yeah

 

 **CANNONS** : ed,,,, please,,,, we're friends,,,,, please I'm gay and terrified and weak,,,,,

 

 **yayeet** : you brought this upon yourself, paninya

 

 **CANNONS** : p l e a s e I a m b e g g I n g y o u e d w a r d p l e a s e

 

 **yayeet** : no fuck u

 

 **protect thy honor** : we're here

 

 **princess** : :)

 

 **CANNONS** : ohhhh my goddd

 

 **CANNONS** : please don't do this I'm so sorry

 

 **CANNONS** : please I am literally begging you

 

 **yayeet** : she got on her hands and knees lmao

 

 **CANNONS** : PLEASE

 

 **protect thy honor** : too late.

 

 **CANNONS** : PLEASKASLDKHASLDHASLKDHLASKDHLASDHLAKSHDALSHDLASKSHDLASKH

 

 

**five hours later**

 

 **frosty eyebrows** : why were you guys doing all this… and why at three in the morning?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lan fan and mei didn't beat paninya up they just gave her a very intimidating lecture and then ed joined the three of them to watch Disney movies but paninya wasn't allowed to pick a movie or eat their popcorn
> 
> i'll try to get a chap out Friday or Saturday!
> 
> -Lucii
> 
> tumblr: edgreedling


	6. hughes needs a recap

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> have you watched the infinity war honest trailer? remember the joke about bruce needing a phase one through four recap video? that's hughes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hahaha i got it up when i told you i would
> 
> thank you all. so much. literally i'm so excited people are enjoying this because it's the most self indulgent bullshit I've ever written but people are enjoying it????? like i'm so excited i told my grandpa about it lmao
> 
> Greed- notlingyao  
> Mei- sneka snek  
> Havoc - HavCock  
> Paninya - Nya  
> Winry - holyshit  
> Hughess - dooweedoo

Aunty Riza, Aunty Riza!" A blur of brown and pink was all Riza could register before she was latched onto by a small girl. With a chuckle, Riza lifted the girl into her arms.

 

"Hold out your hands, Elicia." Elicia did so, and Riza pressed a few chocolate coins into her hands. "Two from me, and your Uncle Roy sent two as well."

 

Elicia gasped and squealed in pure delight, then wiggled her way out of Riza's arms and ran to the man standing at the end of the stairs. Humoring her, her father stared, wide-eyed, at the coins in fake awe. When she dashed away, he turned too Riza with open arms.

 

"Hey, Riza!" She accepted her best friend's invitation for a hug and broke when Gracia made her way from the kitchen. (She got a hug as well.)

 

The three of them made their way to the kitchen table and sat down for a nice dinner. Of course, that's when things went to shit, as they do.

 

Elicia spoke animatedly of the stories her father told her before bed every night, waving her Disney princess decorated fork every which way as she did so. Normally, Riza wouldn't put much thought into this, it was absolutely adorable after all. But the way Maes watched Elicia and Riza so closely put her on edge. It was as if he was searching for something, or waiting for something to happen, and Riza wasn't sure if she wanted to know what the hell it was.

 

_'I'll follow you into Hell if you ask me to, sir.'_

 

Elicia's bedtime stories must've been some kind of magic spell, seeing as how she was not only hearing voices but she also felt an awful headache coming up and she had the overwhelming urge to cry. However, she persevered and tried to listen politely to Elicia.

 

"-Then, the sniper and the colonel and the prince's bodyguard and the doctor all tried to get the brothers and the prince to leave with them, but they said no!"

 

And really, Maes, who told these kinds of bedtime stories to their child?

 

"So the sniper gave the older brother her weapon even though he didn’t want it -"

 

_'That's a weapon for killing people.'_

 

It felt like something was stabbing at her from inside her skull now, over and over and harder and harder. She couldn't do it, she couldn't keep listening to Elicia. She didn't know why, but she couldn't.

 

"-Then the big fat man swallowed the prince and the older brother-"

 

Riza put her head in her hands and took a shaky breath. Why the hell were those bedtime stories messing her up so much?  

 

Gracia's worried voice filtered into her ear, but it sounded like it was coming from a million miles away.

 

Riza screamed.

 

 

 

**Prof. Hughes ---- > Greed**

 

 **Prof. Hughes:** So

 

 **Greed** : professor?

 

 **Prof. Hughes** : mr. homunculous

 

 **Greed** : oh my fucking god

 

 **Prof. Hughes** : I've known since I was eight

 

 **Greed** : man fuck you

 

 

 

**Well we're alive**

 

**notlingyao added Maes Hughes to the chat**

 

**Maes Hughes changed his name to dooweedoo**

**dooweedoo added Riza Hawkeye to the chat**

 

 **HavCock** : oh thank fucking god

 

 **dooweedoo** : Oh sweet you know!!!

 

 **HavCock** : yeah welcome to the party

 

 **HavCock** : Riza, too?  

 

 **dooweedoo** : Yeah she just remembered. She's okay but she needs some space atm (also roy and ed and al but since none of them remember they can't do                            much)

 

 **HavCock** : Give her my best

 

 **dooweedoo** : Of course!

 

 **sneka snek** : oh Mr. Hughes! Alphonse told me about you!! I'm not in any of your classes but I'm Mei Chang!

 

 **dooweedoo** : Nice to meet you, Ms. Chang!

 

 **holyshit** :  MR HUGHES

 

 **dooweedoo** : and who are you

 

 **holyshit** : Winry!  

 

 **dooweedoo** : AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

 

 **dooweedoo** : Ms.Rockbell! dooweedoo: Did you and Major Elric ever get hitched ;)

 

 **nya** : HAHA NO

 

 **notlingyao** : sdfkjjsadklfhalkshflkashdlkashlkh

 

 **sneka snek** : hahahahahahaha

 

 **holyshit** : no! i married paninya, a girl I met in rush valley

 

 **nya** : that's me!

 

 **dooweedoo** : Really? You two were smitten

 

 **holyshit** : we thought we were for a few years but by the time we were like… fourteen it was like. wow I'm gay and ed's really into that xingese prince that just                   crawled out of the alley

 

 **notlingyao** : that… that's how ed and ling met? ling crawled out of an alley?

 

 **holyshit** : well i mean. ed and al found him in an alley and dragged him out but yeah he'd just crossed the desert then he mooched food off ed and then ordered              his bodyguards to attack ed and al

 

 **notlingyao** : wowza

 

 **dooweedoo** : Wait. Who's ling

 

 **holyshit** : the xingese emperor ed married

 

 **dooweedoo** : ed??? Married and therefore became an emperor???

 

 **holsyhit** : he was called the emperor's consort and was xing's official ambassador of amestris

 

 **dooweedoo** : ed is wild

 

 **holyshit** : (also roy fucking. walked ed down the aisle. mustang and hawkeye basically adopted ed and al. you're an uncle, hughes)

 

 **dooweedoo** : I KNEW IT  

 

 **notlingyao** : hearing about my boyfriend's life from other people is always wild

 

 **dooweedoo** : …..boyfriend?  

 

 **notlingyao** : i was dating ed and ling but then i fukcin died and didn't even get to officially marry them

 

 **dooweedoo** : hold on

 

 **dooweedoo** : edward elric, youngest state alchemist in history and world renowned alchemist of the people

 

 **dooweedoo** : adopted by the flame alchemist, hero of ishval, and his extremely skilled lieutenant

 

 **dooweedoo** : married to not only the emperor of xing

 

 **dooweedoo** : but also a fuckin homunculous

 

 **dooweedoo** : that sounds like an extremely dangerous position to be in

 

 **notlingyao** : buddy ed was one of the most skilled alchemists in the world and even when he lost that he was absolutely amazing at martial arts (his teacher                           would kick his ass if he wasn't) but his brother and father were both amazing alchemists, his mother was an amazing sniper literally nicknamed the                     hawk's eyes, one of his husband's was an emperor with tons of bodyguards and was also an amazing swordfighter, and his other husband was an                       immortal homunculous

 

 **notlingyao** : he was fine

 

 **dooweedoo** : hhhhhh ok

 

 **dooweedoo** : hE lOsT hIs AlcHeMy?!?!?!?!??!

 

 **holyshit** : oof yeah

 

 **sneka snek** : he sacrificed his alchemy to bring alphonse's body back

 

 **dooweedoo** : oh thank God, al got his body back

 

 **dooweedoo** : But how did ed handle not having alchemy?? He loved his alchemy

 

 **sneka snek** : he hated not having it, but I think the fact that al got his body back outweighed it

 

 **dooweedoo** : thank god

 

 **sneka snek** : maybe not the best person to thank

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hope you enjoyed!
> 
> roy and riza aren't in a relationship yet, the uncle roy comment in the beginning is because ofc if elicia is gonna call riza aunty riza she's calling roy uncle roy
> 
> would. would y'all hate me if i threw in some roy/riza/maes or should i stick with royai
> 
> pls kudos and comment i actually live for y'alls' comments
> 
> tumblr - edgreedling


	7. edward is a FOOL

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> a foolish fool

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> y'all don't understand how much I live for your comments! they're all so amazing aaahhhh i'm so glad people actually like this stuff
> 
> so, I recently moved from public school to private school and, the legends are true, I get two hundred times more homework. that plus the fact that i'm trying to get into an art high school makes it so that I don't have a lot of free time but i'm going to try my very best to continue to get chapters up for you guys!
> 
> resident badass - riza hawkeye  
> HavCock - jean havoc  
> notlingyao - greed  
> nipyournose - vato falman  
> aggressively soft - kain fuery  
> sneka snek - mei chang  
> chomp - heymans breda
> 
>  
> 
> o.o - alphonse elric  
> father in law - roy mustang  
> uncle in law - maes hughes  
> IronWoman - winry rockbell  
> possessed - ling yao  
> protect thy honor - lan fan  
> demonfucker - greed  
> mother in law - riza hawkeye  
> yayeet - edward elric

 

**well we're alive**

 

 **resident badass** : It's official, all of our team knows except for Edward and Roy.

 

 **HavCock** : Really?

 

 **resident badass** : Yep. Falman, Breda, and Fuery all came screaming into my office during our lunch break.

 

 **HavCock** : How the hell did they all remember at the same time???

 

 **resident badass** : Their memories were finallllyyyy triggered by Roy talking about the gloves comment Edward made   

                               (which I am so glad he made), and then saying that he should buy some 'but if he would they'd be                       

                               white and have some cool design on the back.'

 

 **HavCock** : Thank fuckin God they remembered and obviously Mustang's on his way

 

 **notlingyao** : sweet you should go ahead and add them, prof

 

 **resident badass** : Of course

 

**resident badass added Vato Falman, Heymans Breda, and Kain Fuery to the chat**

 

**Vato Falman changed his name to nipyournose**

 

 **nipyournose** : Hello who is everyone

 

 **notlingyao** : greed

 

 **HavCock** : Yo falman its Havoc

 

 **sneka snek** : Hi I'm mei chang! Nice to meet you mr falman

 

 **nipyournose** : greed the homunculous????? Mei chang from the chang clan???? What???? The fuck

 

**Heymans Breda: I don’t care enough to ask anymore**

 

**Heymans Breda changed his name to chomp**

 

**Kain Fuery changed his name to Aggressively Soft**

 

 **resident badass** : Honestly, Fuery? Nothing is aggressive about you. Not even your softness.

 

 **notlingyao** : did Riza fuckin Hawkeye just drag her team mate

 

 **Aggressively Soft** : She did and I'm scared

 

 **notlingyao** : Rest in pieces

 

 

 

**Chaos**

 

 **o.o** : has anyone seen ed lately?

 

 **father in law** : Haven't seen him since class this morning, sorry

 

 **uncle in law** : Are you being polite about something involving Edward Elric? That's new

 

 **father in law** : I'm being polite to his younger brother, who is worlds kinder than his older brother.

 

 **o.o** : haha thanks

 

 **IronWoman** : Not even gonna try to defend his honor?

 

 **o.o** : no, it's true

 

 **IronWoman** : I mean

 

 **IronWoman** : you're not WRONG

 

 **possessed** : ed isn't THAT rude

 

 **IronWoman** : really

 

 **possessed** : he's just grumpy, and a bit sensitive

 

 **protect thy honor** : You're only defending him because you have a crush on him, you Gay Mess

 

 **demonfucker** : YES LAN FAN CALL HIM OUT

 

 **possessed** : aslkdhlaksfdhalksdhaslkdhaslkdhlaskhd

 

 **possessed** : mouth up shut your

 

 **uncle in law** : ah, young love

 

 **possessed** : professor hughes, buddy, chum, pal,

 

 **uncle in law** : Yes?

 

 **possessed** : I'm gonna take the best fricking pictures you've ever seen. So good that you actually have to fail everyone else. These pictures of flowers you want? Frickin beautiful, if picasso was a photographer. See you next week, professor.

 

 **uncle in law** : You realize I want you to take good pictures, right? That is why I'm teaching you

 

 **possessed** : FUCK

 

 **demonfucker** : you know, ling, you've never seemed like an art person to me. why do you do it?

 

 **possessed** : aahhh well

 

 **possessed** : my family owns a reallllyyy big corporation back in china (I moved to america about a year ago) and they                         

                    want me to take it over but I like. Don’t want to at all so I started doing art as a kid out of spite and just really            

                    enjoyed it so it was half spite and half actual enjoyment that made me pack up my things and move to                           

                    america for art school

 

 **demonfucker** : you know I can respect that

 

 **o.o** : ok but seriously where the fricc is ed

 

 **mother in law** : I just walked by him in the library. He looks tired as hell and is surrounded by redbull, coffee, and 5 hour energy. He probably mixed them together and drank it, honestly.

 

 **o.o** : jesus christ

 

 **o.o** : please get him out of there

 

 **mother in law** : already on it

 

 **demonfucker** : what the fuck

 

 **o.o** : edward has a terrible habit of working on papers nonstop weeks and weeks before they're due because 'I don't have enough time, alphonse!'

 

 **yayeet** : hiSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

 

 **possessed** : edward did you just hiss

 

 **mother in law** : He did in fact hiss at me in real life.

 

 **yayeet** : shut up yao

 

 **possessed** : ok cool

 

 **mother in law** : Alphonse, your brother is currently pouting in my office.

 

 **yayeet** : >:(

 

 **o.o** : haha thanks professor hawkeye, I'll come get him in a minute!

 

 **yayeet** : I hate you al

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hope you enjoyed!  
> please leave constructive criticism!! i live for it haha
> 
> i can't decide who i want to teach what,,, i want mustang to do, like, chemistry (do they have chemistry classes in college???), olivier to do history, alex to do literature, and hughes photography but idk what else so give me ur suggestions!
> 
> also i kno i asked last time but pls ask me if u want royai or roy/riza/hughes bc i honest to god can not decide
> 
> finally! i just want to put it out there that papa roy and mama hawk is very real in this fic bc i live for it lmao
> 
> next chapter coming whenever the fuck i can go to the library, probably
> 
> thanks!
> 
> -Lucii
> 
> tumblr: edgreedling


	8. almei finally gettin some content out here

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> al and mei are sweethearts who deserve the world

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sneka snek - mei chang  
> possessed - ling yao  
> BEN - lan fan  
> AVA_Ricous - greed
> 
> uwu - alphonse elric  
> panini - paninya  
> fight - edward elric  
> gearhead - winry rockbell
> 
> blondie - winry rockbell  
> YEET - paninya
> 
> ballet snake - mei chang  
> greedy snake - greed

 

**Fuck Amestris**

 

 **sneka snek** : okay I officially Can Not Handle alphonse elric

 

 **possessed** : old news

 

 **sneka snek** : fricc you yao

 

 **BEN** : He's not wrong

 

 **possessed** : when even lan fan agrees with me u kno im right

 

 **sneka snek** : DAMN IT

 

 **sneka snek** : anyway I was looking for xiao mei and alphonse knocks on my door and he holds up xiao mei with his adorable little smile and says 'isn't this your panda?' and FIRST OF ALL he recognized it was a panda not a cat  and when I invited  him in for tea he skfaskdhaskldhlaskdh started rambling about this physics paper he has to write and how excited he is for it and then he got all blushy and was like 'oh sorry I'm rambling' and sipped his tea with an adorable blush and I akdhlasdhlaskdhlaskhdlaskhdlk

 

 **AVA_RICOUS** : u got it bad

 

 **sneka snek** : you would say the same goshdarn thing if it was edward

 

 **AVA_RICOUS** : yes BUT ed would never do that he'd throw the panda at me and if I invited him in he'd punch me in the face

 

 **possessed** : I want him to punch me in the face

 

 **AVA_RICOUS** : you kinky bastard

 

 **possessed** : aldshaslkdhaskldhlaskhdlkh

 

 **BEN** : HA

 

 **possessed** : BETRAYAL

 

 **BEN** : :)

 

 

 

**Do You Ever Feel Like A Plastic Bag**

 

 **uwu** : AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

 

 **fight** : me

 

 **uwu** : murder me where I STAND brother

 

 **panini** : awfully strong language for alphonse elric

 

 **uwu** : YOU SHUT YOUR UP

 

 **panini** : :'/

 

 **fight** : al why do you want me to murder you

 

 **uwu** : Mei Chang

 

 **fight** : snort

 

 **uwu** : she's so NICE and c on f I de nt alskdhlkdhlakshdaslkhdlkashd

 

 **fight** : ur a dork lmao

 

 **panini** : I have four words for you ed

 

 **fight** : oh?

 

 **panini** : ling yao and greed

 

 **fight** : FUCK

 

 **Gearhead** : does greed even have a last name???????

 

 **fight** : for some reason I want to say 'the avaricous' but?? That's not a name

 

 **fight** : greed the greedy

 

 **panini** : neither is 'greed'

 

 **fight** : hmmmm

 

 **uwu** : 'Greed the Avaricous' sounds like a name of a greek king or something

 

 **fight** : yeah lmao

 

 **fight** : homunculous

 

 **uwu** : what? That's not a word haha

 

 **fight** : don’t know the word just popped into my head

 

 **fight** : must've read it in a book

 

 **Gearhead** : yeah lol

 

 

 

**mortal enemies**

 

 **blondie** : FUCK

 

 **YEET** : skkhdlkahdlkashdlkshdklashdlsakhd

 

 **YEET** : THIS IS KILLING ME

 

 **blondie** : First the gloves comment and now this????? Edward Elric you are a child prodigy you can REMEMBER  

 **YEET** : GOD HE'S SO STUPID

 

 

 

**snakes are cool as shit**

 

 **ballet snake** : do you think alphonse is remembering?? I mean he knew xiao mei's name when I talked to him (which I never told him) and knew it was a panda not a cat

 

 **greedy snake** : everyone's going to remember eventually I think

 

 **greedy snake** : but maybe that means he is?

 

 **ballet snake** : yeah

 

 **ballet snake** : OH paninya sent me these screenshots you should see them:

 

 **ballet snake** : doesgreedevenhavealastname.jpg

 

 **ballet snake** : homunculous.jpg

 

 **greedy snake** : f u CK

 

 

 

 

**I Hate You All**

 

 **sLuT** : how's it goin greed

 

 **Father** : Lust change your name back and come home

 

 **sLuT** : that's a big ol' no

 

 **The Nicest Person In This Family And That's Saying Something** : college is nice thanks for asking

 

 **Envy** : fuck you greed

 

 **The Nicest Person In This Family And That's Saying Something** : no thanks

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> would anyone be interested if I made a tumblr for my writing and art?
> 
> JSYK the homunculi probably wont remember (except greed and maybe eventually lust) because theyre all little shits who don't really deserve reincarnation so mayhaps in this fic they're just coincidentally as shitty as the og homunculi... I know lust was still a little shit in brotherhood but 2003 lust is my girlfriend and I stan her
> 
>  
> 
> more characters coming in next chap! can you guess who?
> 
>  
> 
> -Lucii


	9. scary professor armstrong and not scary professor armstrong

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> those are their official titles

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yayeet - edward elric  
> father in law - roy mustang  
> demonfucker - greed  
> mother in law - riza hawkeye  
> uncle in law - maes hughes  
> possessed - ling yao
> 
> salaMANder - roy mustang  
> *tardis noises* - maes hughes  
> notanincel - jean havoc

 

**Chaos**

 

 **yayeet** : I'm scared

 

 **father in law** : why

 

 **yayeet** : I was in the library and scary-professor armstrong came up to me and stared at me for a full minute, like standing right in front of me, then I say 'what's wrong professor' and she said 'do you know me' and I said 'ummmm yeah youre my professor???' and she said 'huh. I thought as much.' and walked away

 

 **demonfucker** : what can I say, edward, you attract crazies

 

 **yayeet** : also not-scary professor armstrong started crying (which is nothing new) but then he sobbed 'young edward elric! How good it is to meet you!' and when I said 'ummm nice to meet you too but I met you like a week ago?' he gasped and sparkled away

 

 **demonfucker** : 'sparkled away'

 

 **mother in law** : An apt description of Armstrong, I think

 

 **father in law** : do you want me to talk to armstrong???

 

 **yayeet** : first of all that is a surprisingly nice thing for you to do for someone, especially me, and I don’t trust it. Second of all she'd beat you up

 

 **mother in law** : He isn’t wrong

 

 **father in law** : Betrayed,,, by my own,,, best friend,,,

 

 **uncle in law** : *girlfriend

 

 **father in law** : If it were not for the laws of this land I would have slaughtered you

 

 **yayeet** : owo what's this do mustang and hawkeye have crushes on each other???

 

 **uncle in law** : oh no

 

 **yayeet** : oh no?

 

 **uncle in law** : oh no, you're talking about hawkeye. Be prepared

 

 **yayeet** : umm??

 

 **uncle in law** : good luck, sweet summer child

 

 **yayeet** : uumMMMM?  

 **yayeet** : oh what the FUCKSJSJSJJJAKksk

 

 **demonfucker** : a lot of people get attacked because of this chat

 

 **father in law** : Their fault for being foolish

 

 **father in law** : riza probably won't hurt ed anway, she'll just stand at his door and glare at him

 

 **uncle in law** : ed?? Did you, roy mustang, just call him ed?

 

 **father in law** : oh mother of fuck

 

 **uncle in law** : he's gonna kill you lmao

 

 **father in law** : gonna go kms goodbye

 

 

 

 

 **yayeet** : hey mustang what the FUCK

 

 **possessed** : wait hello I'm alive and she did that to me too??? I'm scared

 

 **yayeet** : god this is a cursed day

 

 

 

 

"Genera- Professor."

 

Olivier turned, slightly startled by the usage of her old title, to see Lan Fan Yao (Her best, and favorite, student, though you'd be hard pressed to get her to admit it).

 

"Yes, Yao? What is it?"

 

Could this mean Lan Fan was remembering, or had remembered? She'd only met the younger woman a few times, at the few parties of Roy's she'd actually attended, but she recalled a strong, bold, admirable woman full of resolve.

 

"I just wanted to ask you about your latest assignment, ma'am, about the Amestrian civil war-" Lan Fan grunted and stumbled, bumping her hip into a water fountain. "I apologize, I'm a bit dizzy."

 

"Do you need to go to the infirmary, Yao?" Now turned fully to her student, Olivier thought of what the best course of action would be. It was clear that Lan Fan's memories were coming to her, and she'd likely want ex-Emperor Ling Yao. However, he'd not remembered yet. She knew the homunculous Greed remembered and was a friend of Ling's, but she strongly doubted Lan Fan would appreciate being brought to him. Ex-Princess Mei Chang, then?

 

"No, I-I just need to-" Lan Fan collapsed.

 

Gracefully, Olivier scooped Lan Fan into her arms and dashed to Mei's room. (No, she wasn't a stalker. She'd simply looked into where other reincarnates' dorm rooms were, in case of a situation exactly like this.)

 

 

 

 

"Hey," Mei groaned as a pillow slammed into her face, rousing her from sleep.

 

"Get the door, Mei," Her roommate hissed and turned over, immediately falling back into her slumber. Mei stuck her tongue out at the girl's back.

 

She wiggled out of her bed, maneuvering her way through piles of plush blankets and pillows as she did so. Finally, she found the floor and made her way silently to the door.

 

Scary Professor Armstrong stood on the other side, an unconscious Lan Fan in her arms. Mei blanched and pushed past them into the hallway, shutting the door behind her.

 

"Professor, what's going on-" Realization struck her. "Oh." A wide grin spread across her face from ear to ear.

 

"Yes." Armstrong nodded, "Is there somewhere I can set her down?"

 

"Um, I think Greed's roommate is out…" An expression that could only be described as 'Why has God left us' graced Armstrong's face. Mei couldn't help but agree.

 

Armstrong sighed in resignation and tilted her head towards the elevator. "Let's go, then."

 

 

 

 

"Lan Fan? Hey, kid, can you hear me? Wake up!" Lan Fan gasped awake, and was met with the eyes of the one man she never wanted to see again - Greed  the Avaricious.

 

She kicked out towards him. He jumped back with a grin, and she nimbly stood and moved into a defensive stance.

 

"Lan Fan!" Chang? The princess's hand landed on her shoulder. A grimace found Mei's face when Lan Fan growled. "Lan Fan, I need you to think about where we are. Not the 1930s anymore, remember? We're in college. I'm your cousin. Greed's a guy you're reluctantly friends with, not some demon possessing your best friend."  

"Demon!?" Greed screeched. "I _resent_ that-!"

 

Lan Fan released a shuddering breath and plopped back down on the bed. After calming her breathing, she said something she really didn't want to think about. "Ling doesn't know."

 

"No." Greed responded, unusually solemn. Mei bowed her head.

 

Huffing a laugh, Lan Fan said, "He's gonna punch you in the face when he does!"

 

The homunculous's - ex-homunculous's, she supposed - eyebrows rose practically to his hairline. "Oh?"

 

"Yeah, he was pissed at you. Said all the stuff you spouted about that being the only lie you'd ever tell was cheesy bullshit. He wants revenge for that sucker punch, too." Greed's laugh sounded slightly manic. He doubled over, wiping a tear from his eye. "God, I love that kid."

 

 

 

**Havoc Is An Incel**

 

 **salaMANder** : EdWaRd ElRiC hAs AuToMaIl?????

 

 ***tardis noises*** : we know

 

 **salaMANder** : well he thought no one was looking and his hand fell off and he started trying to reattach it and when he turned and saw me he threw it at me, screaming, and that's how I found out

 

 **notanincel** : that's so wild

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey i'm having a mental breakdown so I distracted myself with this how are y'all


	10. roy mustang is a FOOL (like father like son)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> a foolish fool 2: electric boogaloo

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm so sorry this is so late I am a terrible terrible person
> 
> mom - madame Christmas  
> dumbass - roy mustang
> 
> jodiewhittakerismyqueen - maes hughes  
> horsecar - roy mustang  
> shootmcshoot - riza hawkeye
> 
> yayeet - edward elric  
> uncle in law - maes hughes  
> demonfucker - greed  
> possessed - ling yao  
> o.o - alphonse elric
> 
> dooweedoo - maes hughes  
> heywhatthefuck - roy mustang  
> notlingyao - greed  
> tmnt - lan fan

**Mom**

 

 **Mom** : Hey, Roy-boy, are you feeling alright?

 

 **Dumbass** :  I'm fine, Ma, just a bit of a headache

 

 **Mom** : You sure? Seemed a little off when you were here earlier

 

 **Dumbass** : I'm fine, promise

 

 

 

**The Friends Mom Approves Of**

 

 **jodiewhittakerismyqueen** : Hey Roy are you alright????

 

 **horsecar** : god why does everyone keep asking

 

 **jodiewhittakerismyqueen** : Honestly? You looked like shit today and you were acting reallllyyyyyy weird

 

 **jodiewhittakerismyqueen** : i.e you were halfway acting like you’re the elrics' father

 

 **horsecar** : ew

 

 **horsecar** : well, alphonse is fine, but not edward

 

 **shootmcshoot** : Oof

 

 **horsecar** : I don’t know, I just

 

 **horsecar** : you guys are gonna think im losing my mind

 

 **shootmcshoot** : youd be surprised

 

 **horsecar** : every time I see edward's right arm

 

 **horsecar** : I get scared, and I think

 

 **horsecar** : Why is his automail back?

 

 **horsecar** : but it's my understanding that it hasn't left since he got it at ten  

 **horsecar** : Then I think of 'human transmutation', whatever the hell that is

 

 **jodiewhittakerismyqueen** : HA

 

 **horsecar** : why the fuck are you laughing maes??????

 

 **jodiewhittakerismyqueen** : sorry, roy, but you'll understand soon

 

 **jodiewhittakerismyqueen** : probably by the end of the night or something

 

 **horsecar** : you're gonna come to my house and tell me I'm an amnesiac and edward and alphonse are actually my children because that's just who you are and I swear to god I will set you on fire

 

 **jodiewhittakerismyqueen** : yoU'RE ONLY MAKING IT FUNNIERAKHLKSHDLKSHDKLHSd

 

 **shootmcshoot** : snort

 

 **horsecar** : god I hate both of you

 

 **shootmcshoot** : ;)

 

 

 

**Chaos**

 

 **yayeet** : HEY MUSTANG JUST COLLAPSED????!?!??!???!?!???????

 

 **uncle in law** : SHIT

 

 **uncle in law** : ED GET OUT OF THERE RIGHT NOW I'M COMING

 

 **yayeet** : no I'm not fucking leaving?? What the fuck is going on

 

 **demonfucker** : edward please listen to him

 

 **yayeet** : greed? guys what is going on is mustang alright?

 

 **possessed** : did greed just say please

 

 **demonfucker** : yes I did edward please just listen and get out

 

 **uncle in law** : I'll explain to you later edward please

 

 **yayeet** : I

 

 **yayeet** : he's screaming

 

 **demonfucker** : edward. Get the fuck out of there.

 

 **yayeet** : but he's screaming

 

 **yayeet** : WELL NEVER MIND HUGHES JUST YOTE ME OUT OF THE ROOM

 

 **uncle in law** : for your own good

 

 **uncle in law** : go back to your dorm, ed

 

 **demonfucker** : I snatched him

 

 **yayeet** : laksklhDALKhsdlkashdlkajdlkHLKDDH FUCK YOU

 

 

 

Roy's eyes flickered open slowly, revealing two figures above him.

 

Maes," He gasped. His hand felt like molasses but he still managed to grasp the front of Maes's shirt. "Maes?"

 

"Hey, Roy."

 

"They promoted you."

 

"I heard."  

 

"Brigadier General Maes Hughes."

 

"I heard."

 

"We didn't tell Ed and Al at first."

 

"…I did not hear of that."

 

"Yeah, I was a dick, told em you were retired or something, they figured out real quick that was a bunch of bullshit."

 

"Well, they are child prodigies."

 

"Yeah."

 

Roy's eyes finally focused enough to see the figure standing behind Maes's shoulder. "Riza!"

 

Maes stepped back and Riza took his place. She stooped down just enough to kiss him where he lay on the bed. "I've been waiting for you to remember, Roy." A lazy grin spread across his face.

 

"Where are the boys?"

 

"They... haven't remembered yet."

 

"Oh. Right."

 

"But Ed saw your little scene earlier today," Maes cut in, "So he's probably on his way."

 

"My little scene?"

 

Maes snorted. Roy despaired.

 

"You collapsed while you were talking to Ed about a paper. And he wants extra lessons."

 

Roy continued to despair. "Extra lessons? I love the kid, but I can't handle giving Ed extra lessons, 'specially when he doesn't remember. Emotionally and physically. Can't do it. And why the hell's he want extra lessons?! Kid's a genius!"

 

"That's exactly why. He just wants extra lessons so he can learn it all faster."

 

"God, I hate him."

 

Riza gave him a deadpan look. "Cut the bullshit, Roy, he's the light of your life."

 

"But, like, the weakest light of my life. You're the strongest light, then Al, then Maes, then Ed. All the way at the bottom. A dim light."

 

"Sure, Roy."

 

"Well, you know who the light of my life is? GRACIA HUGHES-"

 

 

 

**Chaos**

 

yayeet: anyone wanna explain that

 

possessed: rt

 

o.o: rt

 

yayeet: ….

 

yayeet: no? okay, fuck all of you

 

possessed: rt

 

o.o: rt but edited to say "no? okay, that's very rude."

 

yayeet: god stop being such a good person

 

 

 

**well we're alive**

 

**dooweedoo added Roy Mustang to the chat**

 

**Roy Mustang changed his name to heywhatthefuck**

 

 **heywhatthefuck** : GREED THE AVARICOUS

 

 **notlingyao** : FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK

 

 **heywhatthefuck** : NEVER GOT TO GIVE YOU THE SHOVEL TALK, BUDDY OH PAL OH MINE

 

 **notlingyao** : FUCK PLEASE DON'T HURT ME

 

 **tmnt** : I was witness to Mustang's talk with Ling and I got scared even though Mustang was not talking to me. At all.

 

 **notlingyao** : oh god oh fuck ooh shit

 

 **dooweedoo** : he's gonna punch you in the face

 

 **tmnt** : hmmm like father like son

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hhey a lot of you said roy/riza/maes but then I realized like I don't have the guts to split up Gracia and maes?? and I don't really like Gracia/roy/riza/maes so I think i'm just gonna stick with royai and Gracia/maes im sorry im a terrible person


	11. of son-in-laws and seeing god

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> denny brosh saw god behind a denny's at five am, yet he does not appear in this chapter

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> breaking news: local author thought she updated three days ago but actually hasn't updated in eleven days and is a terrible person! lit

Chaos

 

yayeet: just saw god

 

IronWoman: nothing new for you

 

yayeet: ?

 

IronWoman: yeah, you see paninya every day

 

CANNONS: WOOP WOOP!

 

yayeet: …

 

yayeet: fuck you

 

princess: anyway how'd you see god

 

yayeet: I saw him when ling was sleeping, I accidentally knocked something off the counter, and ling proceeded to snap awake and immediately jump to the ceiling, hooking himself onto the fan without making it fall

 

protect thy honor: he does that sometimes

 

yayeet: ?????  
 

princess: yeah nothing uncommon for ling

 

IronWoman: wHy WeRe YoU aT lInG's DoRm

 

yayeet: hanging out with al

 

princess: huh?

 

 **yayeet** : al's his roommate

 

 **princess** : really?

 

 **yayeet** : ya

 

 **princess** : learn something new everyday

 

 **demonfucker** : I, TOO, HAVE SEEN GOD

 

 **yayeet** : how so

 

 **demonfucker** : ROY MUSTANG WHEN HE IS THREATENING SOMEONE

 

 **uncle in law** : haha rip

 

 **yayeet** : why? was? he? threatening? you?

 

 **demonfucker** : question denied

 

 **yayeet** : ??????

 

 **yayeet** : every time I talk to you I add more to my conspiracy board

 

 **father in law** : conspiracy board?  
  
**IronWoman** : it's true

 

 **IronWoman** : he's convinced there's some big secret everyone is hiding from him, and possibly a few others people

 

 **IronWoman** : has a whole board with pictures and red string and everything

 

 **demonfucker** : haha we're not even hiding anything

 

 **princess** : yup. no secrets

 

 **yayeet** : ur not helping ur cases at all.

 

 **father in law** : :)

 

 **demonfucker** : jeez I'm never gonna be able to sit through one of your lectures again, mustang

 

 **father in law** : :))

 

 **demonfucker** : *shudder*

 

 **yayeet** : I also need to add to my board that roy mustang is apparently a murderer

 

 **father in law** : NO

 

 **yayeet** : :)

 

 **yayeet** : ling finally left the ceiling fan

 

 **yayeet** : he is also hugging me and crying

 

 **yayeet** : might be high

 

 **yayeet** : al left ten minutes ago for shopping or smthing someone please help

 

 **demonfucker** : give me a sec

 

 

 

**Well we're alive**

 

 **notlingyao** : officially extracted the newly remembered prince from the premises

 

 **heywhatthefuck** : I hate you

 

 **notlingyao** : I'm aware

 

 **notlingyao** : anyway, ling

 

 **heywhatthefuck** : my wonderful son in law

 

 **notlingyao** : :(

 

 **heywhatthefuck** : …

 

 **notlingyao** : :'(

 

 **heywhatthefuck** : you're cool too I guess

 

 **notlingyao** : :)

 

 **tmnt** : a n y w a y, l i n g

 

 **notlingyao** : right

 

 **notlingyao** : currently asleep on my couch

 

 **tmnt** : give me a few minutes

 

 **heywhatthefuck** : omw

**resident badass** : /\

 

 **sneka snek** : /\

 

 

 

 

**notlingyao added Ling Yao to the chat**

**Ling Yao changed his name to actuallylingyao**

 

 **actuallylingyao** : wHHATTT IS UP MY DUDES????/ I'M fEllIGn lIKE SHITITITITITI!!!!!!

 

 **Aggressively Soft** : oh may the lord give us strength

 

 **actuallylingyao** : YEEETETTTETTETEETETETEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

 **heywhatthefuck** : ling please calm down

 

 **actuallylingyao** : aspifh

 

 **heywhatthefuck** : wonderful

 

 **actuallylingyao** : FUCK GREED WHERE ARE YOU

 

 **notlingyao** : ducked out while you were still asleep to buy some pain meds cuz I knew u'd be needing them for the inevitable headache

 

 **actuallylingyao** : WELL BUDDY DO I HAVE A R A N T FOR You!!!!

 

 **actuallylingyao** : FIRST OF ALL HWO FUCKINF DAR YOU!! YOU LITTLE SHIT!!! I LOVE YOU SO MUXH AND YYOU!!! FUCKIN WEMT THERE!!!!

 

 **actuallylingyao** : 'ONLY LIE I'LL TELL IN MY LIFE' HUH OK U LITTLE SHIT HOW ABOUT WHEN U TOLD ME U DON'T NEED FRIENDS WAS HATRWWERASDASD A FUCKING ALSIE????????

 

 **actuallylingyao** : you knoWW HOEW FUXKING DISTRAUGHT EDWARDEAWs??? OBLY REASON I NOT GONNA BEAT U UP IS BECAUSE I KNOW EDWARD WILl!!! U MADE HIM SO FUCKING ANGRY!!!! HE'S GONNA BEAT UR TWUNK ASS

 

 **notlingyao** : oh

 

 **actuallylingyao** : NOW IMAGINE HACEING TO ECPLAIN ALL OD HIS DSHIT TO THE FUCKING ENTIRE EMPIRE OF XING

 

 **actuallylingyao** : YEAH LMAO THIS IS MY NEW HUSABND ALSO SOZ!!!!! U GUYS WOULD'VE HAD ANOTHER RUER WHO WAS A FCKING DEMON AND HE IS ONE OF THE REASONS AMESTRIS IS STILL STANDING AND ALSO PART OF WHY I AM STILL ALIVE AND WON THE RACE! BUT Y'ALL PROLLY WOULDA NOT LIKED HIM CUZ HE POSSESSED MDE HAHA ://

 

 **notlingyao** : ling

 

 **actuallylingyao** : FUCKASKDAKSDAWWDASD

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oopsie daisy I forgot end notes when I posted this
> 
> main tungler: edgreedling  
> writing/art tungler: luciimarii


	12. an interlude because it doesn't make sense for people to be remembering every chapter I mean that's not a great way to pace a story

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> yeah take this

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> here u go do I have to keep doing chat names I really don't feel like it let me kno if u want me to keep doing it

**do you ever feel like a plastic bag**

 

**uwu** : wow I am never ever ever stepping foot in my dorm room again

 

**uwu** : brother I am setting up a bed on your floor

 

**fight** : ???? why ????

 

**uwu** : so yknow ling's my roommate

 

**panini** : …right

 

**uwu** : and he has a ginormous crush on greed

 

**Gearhead** : ….r i g h t

 

**uwu** : and greed has a ginormous crush on ling

 

**fight** : i. don't know if I like where this is going.

 

**uwu** : walked into my dorm room to see them near doing the do so,,,,,, brother do u have a sleeping bag I can use

 

**fight** : oh gof af[oashd;kashd;ljasd

 

**Gearhead** : GOD edward stop having such a dirty mind!!!  

 

**fight** : I’m NOTTTTTTT

 

**uwu** : ok I just arrived in his room and he is ranting in german, allow me to translate:

 

**uwu** : "F*CKING IDIOT PRINCE AND GREED HAVE NO RIGHT TO MAKE ME FEEL THIS WAY WHAT THE F*CK OH MY GOD THIS IS SO STUPID I HATE THEM I HATE THEM I HATE THEM!!! THEY ARE THE WORST PEOPLE I HAVE EVER HAD CRUSHES ON EVER!! OH MY GOD!"

 

**Gearhead** : gay

 

**panini** : but seriously ed they are both so fucking into you, you might as well just go for it

 

**fight** : VERPISS DICH!!!!!!

 

**Gearhead** : She's being serious Edward!! They really do like you!!! Just go for it you funky little lesbian!!

 

**fight** : FUCKING FINE I WILL  

 

**Gearhead** : OH MY G O D THANK YOU

 

**panini** : FUCKING FINALLY

 

**uwu** : thank you so much brother oh my gosh 

 

 

**fight ---- > idiot.prince and AVA_RICOUS**

 

**fight** : ALRIGHT YOU LITTLE FUCKERS

 

**idiot.prince** : ahshdhdas what the fuckk hi eddy

 

**fight** : don't call me eddy

 

**idiot.prince** : :)

 

**AVA_RICOUS** : so what's up edward

 

**fight** : this is kadfalkshdlakshdlaksshdlakshdlakshdhl

 

**idiot.prince** : ?

 

**fight** : I REALLY LIKE YOU GUYS!!! LIKE, LIKE LIKE YOU!!!!

 

**fight** : oof there we go it's like ripping off a bandaid

 

**idiot.prince** : aLKDHaLKDHA,D.LAHSl;kahsl;kAHDLhdlHD L;AhdlKAHDLAKH SDLakhdlaHDLHdlahDLHASDJHSDJAHSDLHAldhaLSDJHASDJHASLJDHALSJDLAjdhl;AJDH  YE S!!!!!!!

 

**AVA_RICOUS** : jesus fuck ed did we NOT make it obvious that we're super into  you???

 

**fight** : no????

 

**AVA_RICOUS** : yesterday ling burst out crying while we were studying with al and when u asked if he was ok he said 'I'm sorry you're just so pretty'

 

**fight** : listen social cues aren't my thing

 

**AVA_RICOUS** : obviously

 

**AVA_RICOUS** : also ling is crying again

 

**idiot.prince** : I'M SO HAPPPPYYUYYYSDIASKLDHASSODI\

 

**fight** : ldhasljdhasljdjashd stop being such a sap ling

 

**idiot.prince** : GREED HE CALLED ME BY MY FIRST NAME!!! GREED BABE DID YOU SEE THAT!!!! HOLY SHIT HE CALLED ME LING!!!

 

**fight** : I'm not gonna make a habit of it if you keep reacting like this

 

**idiot.prince** : akdlaslkd sorry I'll calm down

 

**fight** : so uh

 

**fight** : do you wanna like

 

**fight** : go on a date or something??????

 

**fight** : idk I've never dated anyone

 

**AVA_RICOUS** : haha yeah

 

**AVA_RICOUS** : any ideas?

 

**idiot.prince** : we can go watch the new harry potter movie?

 

**fight** : FUCK YEAH HARRY POTTER IS THE SHIT

 

**idiot.prince** : god why. why is he so fucking adorable

 

**fight** : AHHHH SHUT UP

 

**idiot.prince** : nuh nuh no!  

 

**fight** : greed u still alive

 

**idiot.prince** : he's crying

 

**fight** : really????

 

**fight** : I expect that from u but I didn't think greed would be such a sap

 

**AVA_RICOUS** : shut up I'm excited and happy

 

**fight** : huh can't believe ur so soft. not so tough now

 

**idiot.prince** : askdlasldkhasldhalskdhs

 

**AVA_RICOUS** : this is bullying

 

**fight** : :/ rip

 

 

 

**do you ever feel like a plastic bag**

 

**panini** : SCREENSHOTS SCREENSHOTS  SCREENSHOTS

 

**fight** : no

 

**Gearhead** : yes!

 

**fight** : no

 

**uwu** : yes!!

 

**fight** : fine

 

**fight** : alrightyoulittlefuckers.jpg

 

**fight** : no.jpg

 

**fight** : doyouwannagoonadate.jpg

 

**fight** : hessoft.jpg

 

**Gearhead** : oh my fuoisdflkhalsdhf

 

**uwu** : oh my gosh brother

 

**panini** : fucking superb you funky little lesbian

 

**fight** : listen I trust you guys don't ruin that

 

**panini** : :/

 

**uwu** : can't believe you said 'like like'

 

**uwu** : can't believe ur still in middle school

 

**uwu** : although ur definitely small enough to be

 

**fight** : EXCUSE ME AKSAD WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU CALLING SHORT YOU UNGRATEFUL LITTLE BROTHER HOW D A R E

 

**uwu** : :P

 

**fight** : wow hate that

 

**panini** : 'do you wanna go on a date or something?' edward you are so lucky they are both already head over heels for you

 

**panini** : if someone talked to me like that I'd dropkick them

 

**panini** : (winry is surprisingly smooth)

 

**fight** : don’t wanna hear that about my sister, thanks

 

**Gearhead** : yeet yeet

 

 

**well we're alive**

 

**heywhatthefuck** : Hey I'm curious, what made you remember, Ling?

 

**actuallylingyao** : uh

 

**tmnt** : I'm curious too

 

**actuallylingyao** : hmmmm

 

**actuallylingyao** : not sure, but probably just a big mash up of everything that  had happened in the past few days?

 

**actuallylingyao** : lan fan started acting a bit different because she remembered, the whole fiasco when mustang remembered

 

**heywhatthefuck** : ;)

 

**actuallylingyao** : ed's been visiting the dorm a lot as well

 

**actuallylingyao** : and greed kept making vague references to the Old Timez TM

 

**actuallylingyao** : and ed was at my dorm the night I remembered and I was just? Freaking out around him and I wake up and the first thing I see is edward standing right next to alphonse and I'm like hOly SHIt

 

**notlingyao** : fair enough tbh

 

**notlingyao** : (can we tell em The News)?

 

**dooweedoo** : The News?

 

**actuallylingyao** : yeah let's tell them The News

 

**heywhatthefuck** : what's the news

 

**actuallylingyao** : The News

 

**heywhatthefuck** : what's The News

 

**actuallylingyao** : ed finally admitted that he likes us and we're gonna go on a date this Saturday!

 

**dooweedoo** : !!!!!!!!!!!!

 

**resident badass** : !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

**heywhatthefuck** : !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

**notlingyao** : yep

 

**heywhatthefuck** : I'm fuckin watching you

 

**notlingyao** : yessir

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yeet yeet I guess  
> uhhhhhhhhh edgreedling
> 
> hey so I have a tumblr for my writing u can come up there to talk about the story if u want, i'll post every time a new chapter is up and i'll post updates on my writing! it's @luciimarii :)


	13. started as the ed chapter and turned into an emotional shovel talk that doesnt make a lot of sense

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> uhhh yeah

Do you ever feel like a plastic bag

 

Gearhead: how was ur date ed

 

fight: like I'd tell you

 

panini: how was ur date ed

 

fight: if I'm not gonna tell my own sister what makes you think I'll tell you

 

panini: but I know who you will tell

 

fight: don't you dare…

 

uwu: HOW WAS YOUR DATE ED

 

fight: IT WAS REALLY GOOD!

 

uwu: tell me about it

 

Gearhead: ask him if greed and ling were gentlemen

 

uwu: were greed and ling gentlemen

 

fight: yes, they were

 

fight: when I got cold greed gave me his vest before realizing it wasn't gonna help and then ling gave me his jacket before realizing he was shirtless in the middle of the theater so he wore greed's ridiculous vest and I wore ling's ridiculous lemon yellow jacket

 

fight: also, they fought over who was gonna buy me mozzarella sticks. While they were distracted I bought my own god damn mozzarella sticks

 

Gearhead: good. I don't have to beat anyone up

 

uwu: :3

 

panini: glad it went well

 

fight: thanks I guess

 

fight: u fucking dorks

 

 

 

salaMANder -------> gearhead

 

 

salaMANder: do I need to murder yao and greed

 

Gearhead: nah

 

salaMANder: proof or it didn't happen

 

Gearhead: howwasyourdateed.jpg

 

Gearhead: mozzarellasticks.jpg

 

salaMANder: thank you for the info I will pass it along to riza and hughes

 

Gearhead: go for it

 

salaMANder: and don't tell ed

 

Gearhead: ofc

 

 

 

Well we're alive

 

HavCock: Roy, you do realize that Ling and Ed had their first date last time around and you literally attended their wedding? You approved of Ling? So you don't have to threaten Ling

 

HavCock: You just have to threaten Greed, since you never got to know him.

 

notlingyao: yknow what I don't want to be threatened but I get it, man

 

notlingyao: but u don't have to threaten ling u kno

 

heywhatthefuck: you know what, you guys are right

 

heywhatthefuck: Greed, I don't know you yet. And with your background I don't exactly trust you yet. But from the way you talk about Ed, I do think you actually care about him. I just don't know you well enough yet.

 

residentbadass: I'm gonna jump in

 

residentbadass: Ling, we 100% trust you. Roy's just… kind of protective. We both know you won't purposefully hurt Ed. The thing is, we're all a bit different than we were last time around. We've all had brand new upbringings this time and our experiences from this life and the last life are melding together. Experiences are what molds us, so we're all changed.

 

residentbadass: And that includes you and Ed. You're a little bit different. Ed's a little bit different. And it probably isn't even noticeable with those who don't aren't close to you, but you don't know if there's anything new about Ed that you have to be careful about. We don't know if there's anything new about you - Hell, your morals could be completely different. Roy and I have realized this - and if the rest of you haven't, we're telling you now - and it's put us slightly on edge.

 

residentbadass: So in conclusion, we trust you, Ling. We're just slightly overprotective. Greed, we're still on edge about you. But! We think you care about Ed and won't hurt him on purpose. We just don't know you well enough.

 

residentbadass: I don't know if I explained myself properly. But I know I did better than Roy would have.

 

heywhatthefuck: Good job babe I stan you, you 200% said it better than me

 

residentbadass: :)

 

notlingyao: I get it. I haven't earned your trust yet. I promise I will never hurt Edward on purpose. I'll do my best to take care of your son.

 

actuallylingyao: I'm glad you trust me! I promise to never ever hurt Ed, cross my heart and hope to die, stick a needle in my eye!

 

heywhatthefuck: :)

 

 

 

Wow, that entire conversation gave Roy the biggest anxiety he'd ever had. Sadly, it was no where near as terrible as all the god damn papers he had to grade.

 

"What the fuck? Is this kid on crack? This is not even close to the right answer oh my god-"

 

"Mustang?"

 

Thank GOD someone was saving him from this paper hell.

 

…Nevermind. It was Edward. He loved his kid, but his kid was also an annoying fuck. (Sometimes.)

 

"What do you want, Elric?" Ed stepped forward, his head hanging. Roy wasn't annoyed anymore - he was just concerned.

 

"Mustang?" Ed repeated, his voice cracking. Fuck, fuck, fuck what the hell was Roy supposed to do? He needed to get Riza in there. "Mustang… I had a weird dream." Was this really happening? Hell yeah! Wait, no, he couldn't handle this on his own. Ed stumbled a bit.

 

Roy was out of his seat and in front of his son in a second. "Edward?"

 

"I-" Ed pitched forward straight into Roy's chest. "Had a weird dream. I told you that. You were… you had fire. And I had alchemy."

 

 

 

Well we're alive

 

heywhatthefuck: EMERGENCY EMERGENCY RED ALERY RED ALERT WEEEE WOOOOOOOOO WEEEEEEE WOOOOOOO RED ALERT YOU LITTLE BITCHES!!!!!

 

residentbadass: is it hAPPENING? IS IT HAPPENING?

 

 **heywhatthefuck** : IT'S FUCKING HAPPENING

 

heywhatthefuck: WHERE SHOULD I BRING HIM?

 

actuallylingyao: I WOULD SAY MINE BUT AL IS HERE

 

notlingyao: BRING HIM TO MINE

 

heywhatthefuck: WE'RE ON IT

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I forgot to write the al chapter so I guess he's coming last
> 
> scream at me on the dying tungler @luciimarii
> 
> sorry i'm uhhhh tired and dying


	14. al cusses and freaks out and there aren't any memes in this one *sad face*

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> let al say fuck 2019

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay LISTEN I know it's been 200 years I have been busy okay! midterms.... doing nothing all winter break... applying to art school! avoiding my responsibilities... falling back into pokemon go alskdhlaskdhlasksdhlakshdlka sorry
> 
> (u will probs get a new chapter this weekend bc on Saturday I have my interview/audition for a Sick as Frick TM school and I will probably break down as soon as it is done and start writing to distract myself :'/ )
> 
> also u get like a whole actually written out part!! yay!!!

Chaos

 

o.o: has anyone seen ed

 

o.o: before you ask, yes I have already checked the library

 

CANNONS: nope. haven't seen him. he is no where in sight. no idea where he could be. nada. zilch. zero.

 

o.o: suspicous

 

father in law: sdlkfnsldfzkbslekf';dsfn'slkvsladvbsSBKV

F; FUCK

 

o.o: um

 

o.o: u ok professor?

 

father in law: uuhhhhhhhhhh yeah uhhhhhhhhhhhhh

 

father in law: he just has a paper due yknow

 

o.o: edward turns in all of his papers like. Eight years early.

 

father in law: FUCK

 

o.o: is anyone gonna tell me where my brother is.

 

demonfucker: no

 

o.o: Tell me where my brother is now, please.

 

possessed: hhhhhhhhh no sorry al

 

o.o: alright then.

 

 

Al stuffed his phone into his back pocket, turned on his heel, and left the library.

 

He was nearly jogging down the hallway. Everyone in the groupchat was a suspect now. If they wouldn't tell him where his big brother was, he'd investigate every dorm room himself. Greed's was closest.

 

As he approached Greed's room, he could feel the tension in the air. He could also hear how many people must have been in there; as soon as he turned the corner into Greed's hallway, several voices echoed off the walls, overlapping one another. Sat on the floor outside Greed's dorm was Paninya, Lan Fan, and… Professor Hughes? They sat eerily silent, contradicting the noise from the dorm. He took note of their body language as he got closer: Lan Fan's back was straight like a stick, shoulders tenser than usual, legs tucked underneath her. Paninya worried her bottom lip, her knees pulled up to her chest as she circled her thumb over a bump on her automail. Hughes looked calm enough, but his hands were shaking and there was a sheen of sweat on his forehead.

 

Not good signs.

 

"What the hell is going on?" Al said, more of a demand than a question. Paninya and Hughes started and Lan Fan's gaze flicked to him, expression unchanging as always.

 

Hughes scrambled to his feet frantically. "You need to leave, Al."

 

"No. Not until I know what's going on with my brother."

 

"I'm sorry, Al, but I can't tell you." Hughes said. Al knew as he looked into Professor Hughes's green eyes that this wasn't a man who liked to lie, but he wasn't sure how he knew that. He'd never even been in one of Hughes's classes.

 

"He's my brother-"

 

"Al." Paninya's hand came down on Al's shoulder, cutting off him off. Al met her eyes desperately. Ed was her friend, too, one of her oldest friends, she had to understand-

 

But from the look on her face, Al could tell she was siding with Hughes and whoever else was in that dorm room. It made him want to scream.

 

"Let me see my brother!" Al growled, shouldering his way past the two of them. Lan Fan jumped up, putting herself in between him and the door. She fell into a defensive stance (She could fight? Why was he not surprised…) but Al kept walking, fully intending to force himself past her if need be - but before he had the chance, Greed's door flew open.

 

"Ed's awake!" Mustang announced. Awake? What the fuck? Why was he asleep?

 

Al took advantage of Lan Fan's momentary distraction to dart past her and push Mustang out of the way (feeling only slightly bad).

 

"Al-" Mustang started, but Al was already too far into the room for pulling him back to make any difference. Ed was sprawled out on one of the beds. He looked a mess; his hair had fallen out of its braid and was all over the place, and even from across the room Al could see that his brother was drenched in sweat.

 

"What's going on?" Al asked as he rushed to Ed's side. Greed, Ling, and Hawkeye were sat around him with Winry standing a bit farther away, but none of them moved to stop Al. He fell to his knees next to his brother. "What happened? Is he okay?"

 

"Kid," Greed said, "There's some stuff going on that you don't understand."  
  
Al's head turned to Greed faster than a whip. "Excuse me? I understand perfectly well what is going on. My brother is sick and you've got him cooped up in here - not to mention you won't let me see him!"

 

"Al."  
  
He flinched at how raspy his older brother's voice was. Ed grabbed Al's hand weakly and his heart jumped. Arm, arm, arm, he thought without knowing why, I'm flesh but it isn't- He cut that thought off. He didn't know what it meant and he didn't really want to know.

 

"Al, it's okay." Ed said. Al could barely make out his words.

 

"Ed, are you insane? Literally nothing about this is okay. This is the most panic-inducing moment of my life and that's really saying something. You know what we've been through so it's REALLY FUCKING SAYING SOMETHING that THIS is one of the scariest moments of my life!"

  
"Al, Alphonse, please." There was a gentle hand rubbing circles that were supposed to be soothing on his back and Mei's sweet voice filtered into his ears. In other circumstances, he might have been flustered.   
 

He glanced around the room, then, at all the people who'd honestly become his entire social life in the past few months: Greed, Ling, and Winry standing nervously on the other side of Ed. Mustang, and Hawkeye (Was Mustang's hand on Hawkeye's waist?!) standing at the foot of the bed, Mei's voice in his ear. Hughes stood just behind Mustang, looking almost like an angel with the light shining through the window\- and Team Mustang - Team Mustang? Who the fuck was that? - Breda, Falman, Fuery, and Havoc's heads all poked past the door frame like something out of Scooby Doo. Paninya and Lan Fan lurked in the corner.

 

He'd never seen all of them together in the same room.

 

Mei grabbed the hand that wasn't holding Ed's. He looked down at his brother's shivering form-

 

And he felt like he was falling.

 

 

 

"Fucking- Fuck- Get him!"  
  
"Al-!"  
 

"Sit back down, Fullmetal!"  
  
"Halt die Klappe, Fuhrer Bastard!"  
  
"Get him on the other couch, quick, quick!"  
 

"Sheisse!"  
  
"Language, Winry!"  
  
"Fick dich, Hughes!"

 

"Tā mā de! Greed, grab Ed!"  
  
"Did he just fucking collapse-"  
 

"Fuck off! I'm fine!"

  
"Edward you are on the ground-"  
 

"EDWARD ELRIC IF YOU BROKE YOUR AUTOMAIL-"

 

"That's what you're worried about right now?!"

  
"Holy shit what is going on there are too many people in here!"

 

"Jesus Christ."

 

"Scary Professor Armstrong - I mean, just Professor Armstrong! Oh. You brought your brother. Great, he can help us get the Elrics off the floor."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> dklhadls izumi is gonna show up soon maybe idk how this fic runs itself
> 
> if I messed up the foreign words please let me know I found them on google BUT not google translate
> 
> if u wanna scream about the fic (and everything else) with me find me on tumblr @luciimarii


	15. the author has no excuse

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ling breaks the fourth wall

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yes it’s been months, yes i have no excuse

**three (3) disaster mlm**

 

**chili’s** : okay but who here  _ really _ gives a fuck anymore

 

**hungr** : that’s valid

 

**chili’s** : i’m technically like 83 i feel like i should be legally allowed to drop out of college 

 

**greeb** : i’m sorry did you get a college degree in your last life 

 

**chili’s** : YES actually

 

**greeb** : oh okay fair 

 

**hungr** : i didn’t but also i was a whole ass emperor so 

 

**chili’s** : wait yeah so was i 

 

**greeb** : i almost was

 

**greeb** : got close

 

**chili’s** : smh don’t die next time 

 

**greeb** : good idea 

 

**chili’s** : i wonder if ma’s around in this one

 

**greeb** : oh god, the scary one?

 

**chili’s** : yeah my teacher ms curtis 

 

**hungr** : mama = bio mom, ma = izumi curtis, mom = hawkeye, GENERAL ARMSTRONG SIR = olivier 

 

**greeb** : how many moms does one boy need 

 

**chili’s** : moms are all powerful thanks 

 

**greeb** : wouldn’t know

 

**hungr** : this is the daddy issues relationship 

 

**hungr** : we bond over shared daddy issues 

 

**chili’s has renamed the chat the daddy issues threesome**

 

**greeb** : ling just shot chocolate milk out of his nose 

 

**chili’s** : y’all are hanging out without me??? rude

 

**greeb** : y’all 

 

**hungr** : y’all 

 

**chili’s** : don’t come for me i’m country 

 

**greeb** : ya we kno

 

**greeb** : but ya we’re hanging out come to my dorm :)

 

**chili’s** : cool

  
  


**focking** **kyooties**

 

**golden boy:** love why is your panda on my bed

 

**princess:** lol i’ll come get her

 

**golden boy:** it’s not a big deal she’s sleeping

 

**golden boy:** but why is she here and not in your dorm

 

**princess:** my roommate doesn’t like her

 

**princess:** so i just left her in your dorm

 

**golden boy:** i mean that’s fine but you could have asked me first 

 

**princess:** :)

 

**golden boy:** valid

 

**golden boy:** she’s attacking ling and ed is cheering her on

 

**princess:** _ perfect _

  
  
  


**chaos**

 

**royeboye:** edward elric where the fuck are you

 

**maíz:** (mother’s adrenaline is kicking in!)

 

**royeboye:** did you just-

 

**royeboye:** whatever

 

**royeboye:** @edna WHERE ARE YOU, DEMON CHILD

 

**edna:** god fuck i’m here what do you want führer bastard

 

**royeboye:** your essay was due in my hands oh, seven hours ago. where is it.

 

**that good moomin shit:** brother i thought you finished that like a month ago

 

**edna:** i  _ did _ i just forgot it was due today >:(

 

**royeboye:** if you can get it to me in thirty minutes, i’ll only drop five points.

 

**edna:** jesus christ okay just let me get dressed

 

**royeboye:** ...it’s three o’clock. why aren’t you dressed

 

**i am greeb:** :)

 

**royeboye:** FUCK

 

**maíz:** JSJSJXJDIDJD

 

**lingerie:** ;)

 

**meiby:** I’M CACKLING I CAN’T-

 

**meiby:** but also  _ ew _

 

**that good moomin shit:** i,,,,

 

**that good moomin shit:** okay.

 

**that good moomin shit:** please tell me you weren’t in ling and i’s dorm

 

**royeboye:** i’m  _ so  _ sorry but i have no interest in knowing  _ where _ this took place 

 

**that good moomin shit:** neither do i!!

 

**that good moomin shit:** i just want to make sure it didn’t happen in  _ my dorm! _

 

**edna:** jesus christ al

 

**i am greeb:** in my dorm, actually!

 

**edna:** _ GREED _

 

**lingerie:** i hate amestris or america or wherever it is we currently are. the author made it confusing in that the amestrain characters are explicitly stated to speak german and yet, in one chapter, lan fan spoke of the amestrian civil war, and the xing squad’s group chat in the earlier chapters was titled “fuck amestris”. does this mean amestris, xing, and germany exist in the same universe? the author really has no idea, and doubts any reader thought of this, but she was worried about it anyway and has thought of it several times a day since the last chapter was published. also, on the topic of the last chapter, it’s been months and i am very salty about the fact that i’ve been frozen in place for several months because the author refused to get her act together and continue writing.

 

**i am greeb:** excuse me

 

**lingerie:** i?? don’t remember writing that

 

**lingerie:** greed I think a different demon has possessed me

 

**i am greeb:** i already  _ told  _ you i’m not a fucking demon 

 

**edna:** ling what kind of drugs are you on

 

**lingerie:** i am unwilling to disclose that information with teachers present 

 

**royeboye:** ,,,,,,

 

**royeboye:** okay

 

**royeboye:** where’s that essay ed 

  
  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> shorter than usual because i was desperate to get a chapter out. i very hesitantly promise to try and release chapters more regularly.
> 
> also! please come interact with me on tumblr! yell at me to write! ask me about the fic! ask me about my other fics! maybe if enough of u show up i’ll give y’all some sneak peeks or whatever idfk it’s @luciimarii

**Author's Note:**

> thx let me kno if u want another chapter シ
> 
> lucii
> 
> tumblr: edgreedling


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